“The art of
conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” William Hazlitt
Dear Friends,
Have you ever spoken with a person and had a feeling that they are not
really hearing that what you are saying. They are listening, all right, but are
they hearing you? Are they there? Present?
You talk with someone, and they reply to something that is definitely
not what you said. Obviously they have not heard what you actually said. They
are responding to what they thought you said, or what they thought you were
going to say - starting to prepare the response even before you were finished
speaking.
Or perhaps they were simply not paying any attention whatsoever; only
feigning taking part in a dialogue, while really busy engaging in one way
communication; preaching, delivering a sales pitch or a propaganda speech on
the topic, or simply talking about themselves, while clumsily attempting to
hide it by “paraphrasing” what you didn’t say, and continuing with a “let’s talk
a little bit more about me” spiel :-).
This failure of one party to hear what the other is saying obviously
happens in a lot of different situations. Ranging from the business meeting,
the doctor patient talk, the therapeutic talk, the bedside chat, the talk
between friends, the talk between lovers. And everywhere it is detrimental. A
lot of people don’t even realise they are doing this. For many, this is a part
of default behaviour.
Sometimes what is going on is too much internal dialogue interfering
with the conversation. Internal dialogue can sometimes defeat its own purpose. In
its attempt to prepare a good answer, it can get so loud in doing so that you
don’t hear what is being said on the outside, you just wait for a more or less
appropriate pause in the stream of noises which escape the other person’s mouth
so that you can interject with whatever your internal dialogue has come up with.
If this is what you are doing, you are not engaging in a dialogue ... with
anyone but yourself.
The antidote is manifold. In the business context there are simple
information gathering tools that can elevate communication from unspecified
unclarity to high quality; these are the sort often taught on the first day in
a proper NLP training. But in the realms of the soul to soul conversation it
often starts with a deeper attitude shift, with the awakening of the intention to
really hear the other party.
There is a nice expression. “A heart with ears”. And that is something
we all need once in a while. Someone who really hears what we are saying.
Someone who listens with understanding. Without interpreting. Without judging.
Just listens and understands, or listens with the deep intent to understand.
Anyone can cultivate this skill. It simply boils down to having the intent.
There is an old story about mother Theresa that comes to mind. A
journalist asked her what she said to God when she prayed. Her answer: “I don’t
speak, I listen.” The journalist asked: “And what does God say, when you
listen?” Mother Theresa answered: “He also listens.”
With this in mind, may we invite you to consider the following. While conversing with people this week, make a
decision to really give them a part of the most valuable resource there is:
your full attention. To both listen and hear.
From the heart, sending you oceans of love,
Your two listening train-ears
Lidija and Thomas
Lidija Markovic– NLP Trainer (Classic & New Code)
Thomas Björge– NLP Trainer (Classic & New Code), NLP Coach
© Momentum Strategies 2013
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